I think it will be Day Four of the Pisgah Mountain Bike Stage Race that I go out to visit the loony tune bikers who will sure to be suffering great consequences from relentlessly climbing these magical mountains of WNC.
I will have my massage table with me and will give a free massage to whomever crosses the finish line first that day. I’m not talking about a little soothing rub down. I will work that person over in the infamous, Bettina Freese kind of way, so they start out their last day, of 43 miles, like it’s just another Saturday ride.
Not only will it be an amazing experince for me to witness the specific aches, pains, deficiencies and miseries from being bitch-slappped by the ancient forest, but it will be a whole new bag of experiences to bring back to my sports massage students at the Asheville School of Massage and Yoga.
Working on an athlete of that caliber, in that kind of race, is like a mechanic dropping into the Formula One race to crank a wrench on a Ferrari. The Toure De France would be another great massage and anatomy lesson, but I perefer mountain bikers. Hear that Mr. Hincapie? Yeah, I’m talking to you. Bring it. I’ll massage you anyway.
The PMBSR starts on Tuesday, September 22nd at the Black Mountain Trail Head. Riders will start with the White Squirrel Loop, which is 39 miles and 6,200 feet of elevation gain. The day will end with an awards ceremony on the courthouse gazebo in Brevard.
Day Two, dubbed the Land of Waterfalls Loop, begins at the Black Mountain Trail Head, sending riders out for 43 miles and 7,300 feet of elevation gain. The freaks will begin to feel the suffering on this evening as they gather for a happy hour at the Lobby. I wonder how many will go overboard and drink too much New Belgium? The thing is, I KNOW mountain bikers, and they will be hung over on Thursday morning. Those who didn’t drink are actually road bikers who have pure dites, nun-like habits, the stamina of cheetahs, and no technical skill. I say that because techinical skill is a byprodcut of high levels of yeast and hops in the system.
The Carl Schenck Loop comprises Day Three and was designed for the hung over mountain biker with just 25 miles and 3,200 feet of elevation gain, but verrry technical. This one starts at the Wash Creek Campground. Schenck was a comrade of George W. Vanderbilt, who bestowed upon his the positioun of Biltmore Estate forester. He founded the first forestry school in the U.S. right here on th Biltmore Estate. His management theories influenced forestry education for generations therafter. People riding his trail will call his name out in their sleep.
Day Four starts at Black Mountain Trail Head again, heading out on the Promised Land Loop for 39 miles and a whopping 8,000 feet of elevation gain. Geezus. Turkey Pen and Squirrel gap are two of the most psychotic trails in WNC. Thers’ some sort of Native American voodoo going on out there as well. I cut my teeth on mountain biking on this trail, as well as broke my arm on it. My first winter ride was on Squirrel Gap, tossing me off of the mountain on six different occasions, as the trail is not quite wide enough to be considered much more than a balance beam.
Day Five ends the race with a little jab in the gut on the Transylvania Loop with 42 miles and 6,400 feet of elevation gain. This is the day I would love to run around with the Go-Pro video cam. Laurel Mountain is one of the most technical trails around, offering 20-foot rock gardens with no bailouts. It’s either ride it, walk it, or plunge to your paraplegia down a steep, rocky grade, hoping not to be impaled by a sharp stump. What a beautiful way to end such a race. Breathetaking views from pilot Rock will be an excellent way to say goodbye to a race well done and a trail so very incredible. Just be on the lookout for timber rattlers.
Every day the racers will be prpovided a massage option, as Healing Touch will be in the Brevard Music Center from 1:30-6 p.m. Only those who are panicking will actually take advantage of the opportunity – and the pros. The rest will spend the remainder of the month sucking on their bikes because they didn’t take proper care of themselves. They will oil their chains, add air to their suspension, but a new deraillerur, but they will not flush the toxins from their legs, mend scar tissue and loosen hampstrings turned to steel, cranking on their lower backs in such a a crooked way that their necks hurt, sending electrical impulses down their arms, numbing their hands so that they cannot properly shift, or even peer over their handlebars.
Just sayin.